I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
