Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
