my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
