just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
