Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
