So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
