There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
