i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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