stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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