Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
