i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
