Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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