He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
and you fell through a lawn chair
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
