Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
