Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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