So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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