You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
bring money and cleavage
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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