Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
