I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
