i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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