oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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