Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
