i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The adults are the big ones right?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
