its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
