On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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