can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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