stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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