If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
