does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
