Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I need to align my fucking chakras
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
