Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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