He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
