Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
