should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
