I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
