I wish I could punch you in the face.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
