I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
