***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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