How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
