I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
