sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
