a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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