It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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