i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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