You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
