It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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