Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
