So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
