So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
