im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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